Please Forgive Me; I’m New

Let’s see…

I haven’t been on here in a looong time, and, quite frankly, I miss it. that doesn’t mean I’m going to start writing again any time soon, as I still don’t have access to the Internet without borrowing my sister’s iPad. But I do miss it.

Some updates on my life: I’ve recently had the wonderful news that I am now in debt because of the apartment I used to live in. My ex-roommate and I now owe the manager around $2000 for unpaid rent. My credit score has also been fucked because of this debt, but that is something I’ll worry about later.

Though I have job now, I barely made anything on my last paycheck. And I owe $50 to my mom for rent to live here, I paid another $50 on my new debt, I gave my best friend $15 for gas to get the rest of my shit from Vancouver, plus I got a Red Bull for me and a pink Rockstar for her. I still have to get some Dr. Scholl’s insoles for my work shoes, because my feet are killing me when I get home, and my left big toe has mysteriously started going numb during work and doesn’t get feeling back until later the next day. I hope it doesn’t end up falling off. Just kidding.

Hmm, more news, you say? Well, since starting my job, I’ve found that I actually like it. No, I don’t like working per say, but I do have a sense of accomplishment upon returning home. I’m seemingly always in a good mood after work. Plus, I think I have a greater appreciation for the time I get to spend at home being lazy.

Sometimes work gets incredibly hectic—everyone loves McDonald’s, apparently—but I enjoy many of my coworkers. Some of them are insanely funny, which makes working more fun for me. I do think it’s rather sad that so many people eat fast food, and it makes me feel worse that employees are required to “sell up,” which kind of enables customers, in my opinion. Also, I swear I served someone who was on something the other day. The guy was super weird.

Oh, and one day, I was bringing food out to a car that was waiting in the parking lot because the drive through was backed up, and I tripped over some mats that were propping open the door while the lobby was being cleaned. Needless to say, I fell, slamming the bag of food on the ground and squishing it in the process. I also ripped my pants at the knee and scraped my elbow and wrists on the concrete. All in front of the drive through. I can only imagine what they thought when they saw me biff it so hard. After that incident, I brought the squished food back inside, told my coworkers at the counter that I fell and that new food needed to be prepared for that customer, and went to wash my bloody elbow in the sink. I was trying really hard not to cry, nit because it hurt that bad, but because of sheer embarrassment at what had just occurred adding to that the fact that it was only my eighth day working there. On the way to the sink, I passed by the coworker who had trained me (my favorite person at work so far), who noticed something was wrong with me. He said something along the lines of “Are you okay? You look like you’re about to cry.” And after that, all the tears I was trying so hard to keep restrained came pouring out. That was even more embarrassing. First, falling, and then crying about it. Hahaha. Then my boss and her boss, who was there that day, both took care of the first aid and had me fill out an accident
report.

That was a rough day! I am still sore in multiple places from my fall, and I have many bruises and scrapes to mark the occasion. At least I can laugh about it now. And at least it provides others with something to laugh about as well. That’ll be a story to tell the future grandkids.

I had an interview at McDonald’s today. It was short and went by quickly. After it was over, the interviewer told me she was going to hire me. Success!!!!!

I’m proud of myself again.

Success

How the hell did I get a B in trig? However it happened, I’ll take it! Haha. I got an A in English too. I’m proud of myself.

And the Grind Begins Again

Let’s hope it goes better this time around…

Drive: Funeral for a Friend

You Only Get What You Give

To Whom it May Concern: Underoath

It never ceases to be one of my favorite songs.

In Hiatus, Just Like My Favorite Band

b-spills:

Seether feat. Amy Lee- “Broken”

(Source: lynseyylou)

Dead Inside

You lit the candle within my heart
Don’t let the wind blow it out
I need that light during these dark nights
I need that flame to feel alive
Because I’ve only survived throughout this life
I’ve never lived

I’m dead inside

They Say You Can’t Love Anyone if You Don’t Love Yourself First

Well, I fucking hate myself. Always have. There are few moments when I find a fucking teaspoon of love for myself. Otherwise, all my love goes out to others. I think people can love others, even if they don’t love themselves, but receiving enough love from others to fill the incredibly large void within yourself is impossible. And that’s where I think the “You can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself” comes from. Honestly, I think the situation would be better represented by “No one can love you if you don’t love yourself.” 

Because I have such a great emptiness within my skin, I need others to make me feel loved. But I’ve learned the hard way that very, very few people are willing to give me that much love. 

I wish I could love myself. I wish I didn’t have to rely on generally unreliable people to give me as much love as I give them, because in the end, I will always be disappointed. People just can’t give that much. 

But honestly, I think it’s less “can’t” and more “won’t.” 

When it comes down to it, I would rather love the people I love than do anything else. I would rather waste my time with them doing nothing than read a book, watch TV, or even write or paint. 

But that’s where people differ from me. They would rather be entertained. Love doesn’t entertain them as it does me. Love doesn’t give them a sense of purpose as it does me. Love doesn’t make them feel alive as it does me. 

Believe me, I count my blessings on a daily basis. I am well aware of everything I have. But having never quiets the wanting for more; if anyone says otherwise, they are fucking lying. 

The only thing I request from people is to give me as much as I give them sometimes, not even all the time. One day of above-and-beyond effort is only enough to satisfy me for about a week. But when that one day of above-and-beyond effort returns after that week, I’m good for another week or so. And when I’m spending everyday giving people what they want, I feel like I deserve that one day a week of immeasurable effort. 

People have no idea how much those “one-day-a-week”s mean to me. I need them to replenish my energy, so I can keep going, so I can keep giving. And when you think about it, is one day out of seven really that much to ask for? I don’t think so. Not when I’m breaking my neck trying so hard to be the better me for seven of those same days, refusing to give in to every single temptation that smothers me day in and day out. 

If I received one day of noticeably great effort, I can’t imagine caring about even seeing/talking to the person for the other six days, unless they wanted to see/talk to me.

But maybe I’m just fooling myself. Maybe we all are…

I just want everything to stop.

(Source: b-spills)